How to Stop Porn Addiction

How to Stop Porn Addiction – One Powerful Technique to Help You Stop Watching Porn

From feedtherightwolf.org, Monday, May 17th, 2010 at 8:22 am  

Do you or some you love wants to know how to stop porn addiction (or any other addictive behavior for that matter)? The answer is simple but not easy. You need to teach your subconscious mind to respond to cravings in a new, healthy way.
What I am about to share with you does work. I am a recovering porn addict. Three years ago, event though I made a decision to stop, I couldn’t go a week without watching pornography or masturbating. In the past 3 years I was able to stop watching porn for periods ranging from 3-9 months at a time. And I have not masturbated in over 2.5 years.

I never though that porn addiction is real, but after reading the info on this site I now truly understand it. This site is beyond awesome and amazing… it really explains what and why I am going through right now. Anonymous

I am not here to tell you what you should  or shouldn’t do with your life. But I think that techniques that I used to stop porn addiction, could be used to make lasting change in all areas of our lives.
In the following article I share my struggles with pornography and what I did to break free. For more in depth version I recommend our Free Recovery Course.
The article is organized in 8 major parts. In parts 1-3 I share my understanding of porn craving. In part 4 I share a very powerful technique that allowed me to stop porn addiction. And in parts 5-8 I list some tips for long term recovery.
1. Pornography Is Not Just a Bad Habit!
A first major component in my own recovery was an understanding that pornography viewing was not just a bad habit. It was an obsessive compulsive cycle (see Figure 1 below) from which I was not able to break free. It usually started with an unwanted sexual thought that I would try to avoid for as long as I could.

Figure 1. Obsessive Compulsive Cycle of Pornography Addiction

Unfortunately, trying NOT to think about something never really worked for me, and eventually I would get to a point where thoughts would get so intense that I couldn’t handle the pressure any longer. Then I would go back to the only way that I knew to make sexual thoughts temporarily go away – watching pornography and masturbating.
After sexual acting out I would slowly come back to my senses and realize what have happened. I would feel guilt for being so weak and giving in and I would swear to never do it again!
Unfortunately over time I would find sexual thoughts coming back, and since I didn’t know how to handle them in a healthy way, the whole cycle would repeat itself.
Clearly fighting my sexual desires only made them come back stronger and faster, and I began to rely more on pornography and masturbation to help me get a temporary relieve.
Eventually this cycle got completely out of control to the point where I would have to spending most of my day watching porn. My brain got so used to regular imagery that I would have to seek out really hard core pornography in order to temporary satisfy my desires, and allow me to return to my normal state.
In other words, I found that the more I fed my porn addiction, the stronger it got.
2. No Craving Can Last Forever!
The second component that I learn was an understanding that any human feeling, including cravings, cannot last forever. In actuality any physiological impulse is shaped like a bell curve (see figure 2 below).
At first cravings starts out slow but grow exponentially until they get really intense. Somewhere along this path most of addicts would end up giving in. As the result they get used to an idea that they could never get past their cravings and that their cravings will eventually get so strong, that they will have no choice but to give in.

Figure 2. Craving Curve

In actuality human beings cannot sustain any emotion or feelings indefinitely, and eventually any feeling or craving will decrease.
So the trick to stopping porn addiction is to learn to ride out cravings; to master a skill to stay away long enough for cravings to go away. This of course sounds simple, but as many addicts know it is not as easy to do.
Below I am going to share a technique with you that have helped me do just that. But first let me show you a few simple physiological signals that can be used to measure how strong our craving really is.
3. Physiological Signs of a Strong Craving
It is important to know certain physiological changes that begin to take place in human body when they experience strong desire to watch porn and/or masturbate compressively. Such changes include:

•     Rapid Pulse
•     Increased blood pressure
•     Dilated Eyeballs
•     Shallow Breath

It is important to know these symptoms because this knowledge can provide us with information needed to help us on our way to recovery from porn addiction. Let me explain.
We can learn our pulse rate during normal state and then use this information to recognize if our pulse is getting too high. Therefore pulse can serve as an easy to measure indicator that we are about to get out of control. At the same time we can use pulse measurement to let us know that we are exiting the danger zone and that the physical craving begins to decrease.
Another very important component that is easy to observe is our breath. Breath is the only subconscious bodily function that we can consciously control. Think about it! You cannot control your blood pressure, you cannot control you pulse, but you can control your breath. You can take slow, deep, controlled breaths, and through that you can have a direct effect on your subconscious mind. This is a very powerful key to stopping porn addiction!
4. Killing the Craving
So let’s move right into action. The technique that I used to help me overcome the craving is called Exposure and Response Prevention or ERP and is generally used for Obsessive Compulsive disorder and other psychological problems. It’s been around for a very long time, tons of people use it, and it is very effective. I’ve originally learned this technique from a book called “Kill the Craving” which uses ERP to help people with alcohol and drug addictions, and I slightly modified the approach to help me overcome porn addiction.
The key idea of this technique is to systematicallyexpose yourself to situations that would usually cause you to feel a strong craving and practice responding to this craving in a healthy way.  This practice allows our subconscious mind to learn a healthy response mechanism by the time we are faced with a real craving.
Over time you will learn that cravings do not rule your life, and that there is a way for you to ride out a craving and return to your normal self without having to act out. And the high that you get from feeling proud of yourself will be much stronger than any high that you could possibly get from porn addiction.
ERP works in the following way. You first identify a trigger, and as soon as you feel the physiological response from your body, you measure your pulse rate, which you would likely find to be a bit higher than your normal pulse. After that you immediately shift into a controlled breathing exercise to calm your subconscious mind. Next you review your personal motivation statements, to remind yourself of all the positive things that you can bring into your life if you were not to act out. Then you measure your pulse again, and note the difference. Last but not least, you follow up with an act of self care. Let’s look at those steps a little more closely.
Step 1 – Identify or imagine the triggering situation.
While ERP is very effective with helping you overcome a real trigger, it will not be as helpful unless you have already practiced it continuously before facing the real danger. Therefore I recommend a commitment of at least 30 days with complete ERP practice being done the first thing in the morning and last thing at night.
A quick note on sources of trigger is due here. The book that I’ve mentioned earlier “Kill the Craving” recommended alcohol and drug addicts to look at photographs of their addictive substances in order to generate an addictive response. This approach, however, did not seem practical for porn addiction, because looking at addictive images was precisely what I was trying to avoid.
I solved this conflict by creating a strong mental image of myself in a triggering situation instead of looking at actual photography. For example I would imagine myself being alone with computer, or passing by a magazine stand at the store.
Our brain is not able to tell the difference between a vivid mental image and a real life situation, and will produce a similar physiological response. That way Exposure and Response Prevention techniques can be practiced in a safe environment, without having to expose yourself to the real danger.
If at any time during the day you begging to feel a strong craving and a desire to act out, follow up with an extra ERP exercise. Personally, at first I found myself doing 3-5 ERP exercises per day, but soon was able to get through most of my days with only 1 or 2 exercises.
Step 2 – Measure your pulse rate as soon as you observe your body begin to change.
It is easier to measure your pulse for 15 seconds and multiply it times four. Follow this link to download a quick reference chart that will help you to quickly convert your pulse rate and keep the record of your progress.
It is likely that measuring your pulse rate may feel like a burden at first, but after a few days of ERP practice you will get used to it and it will become very easy.
Also, after 5 to 10 days of regular ERP practice you may notice that your pulse rate will not change as much as it did at first from you merely imagining a triggering situation. Please do not use this as an excuse to go look for more triggering stuff. After all it is the sole purpose of ERP practice to train your body not to react addictively to triggers. Therefore, take the decrease pulse rate as a sign of progress, and continue your practice for at least 30 days to allow new habit to form. (It takes about 30 days of repeating a certain task for human beings to form a habit)
Step 3 – Perform Controlled Breathing Exercise.
After you record your pulse rate, follow up with a controlled breathing exercise. Simply, breathe in for 10 seconds, hold your breath for 10 seconds, and breathe out for 10 second. Repeat it 10 times.
I use my fingers that I keep resting on my knees to keep the count of my breaths, tapping each finger for one of ten counts. That way I can free up my mind from counting and concentrate on breathing.
Remember that our breathing is the only subconscious function that we can control through our conscious effort. Do not overlook this step.
Step 4 – Review Personal Motivational Statements.
Next you review your personal statements. You will have to do a little homework on this. Just sit down and write down all of the reasons why you want to get sober. Why do you want to stop watching porn? What positive changes would it bring into your life? What negative consequences will you be able to avoid?
Answers to these questions must be able to touch the bottom of your soul. When I read mine I can literally feel the Goosebumps! That is how badly you need to want to stop this addiction and get the good things in your life. If you are not going to feel the Goosebumps and if it is not going to touch your soul, it is just not going to be strong enough to make you choose life instead of porn when you will be faced with real temptation.
Some of the statements that I used were: My dreams of having a wife and a child will come true if I walk away. I will be stronger and more in control if I walk away. I will regain my self-respect and dignity if I walk away. My family will be proud of me if I walk away. I will be able to look into people’s eyes, and feel proud of myself if I walk away. You can download 30 sample stamens here.
I had each of my reasons written on 3 by 5 cards, which I would read out loud to myself during each ERP practice. Cards allowed me to be doing (i.e. moving the cards), reading and hearing the message at the same time. Human beings learn the best by combination of action, seeing and hearing. (We learn even better by teaching something that we already know to somebody else. So when you get a handle on ERP practice yourself, try to teach it to another addict).
Step 5 – Re-measure your pulse rate.
When you first begin your ERP practice, you might notice that your pulse rates remain the same between steps 2 and 5. Sometimes you may even find it going up a little. It is normal. Over time you will learn to decrease your pulse rate, and you will be able to bring yourself back to your normal state. Ideally you should be able to decrease your pulse rate from its highest point by about 4 to 8 bits per minute.
Additionally, as I mentioned earlier, overtime you will notice that your pulse rate in step 2 will not be getting as high as it did at first in reaction to the triggers. This will be a sign of your progress.
Step 6 – Follow up with an act of self care.
This is also a very important step. You have to do something good for yourself. Preferable you need to get out of the house.
For my first 30 days I would go out and jog after my morning practice. And if I felt the craving again during the day, I would do another ERP exercise and follow up with a different act of self care, like cooking a healthy meal, journaling, or taking a nap. After my evening practice my act of self care was simply to go to bed early. You can view a list of 67 healthy things to do for fun.
5. One Technique is Not Enough!
I want to share one short story with you that helped me to put everything together and stop watching porn for good. Exposure and Response Prevention technique is great, but I think it would not have gotten the job done if it was used alone. Anyway, here is the story:

One evening an old Cherokee told his grandson about a battle that goes on inside all people. He said, “My son, the battle is between two ‘wolves’ inside us all.
“One is Evil. It is anger, envy, jealousy, sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance, self-pity, guilt, resentment, inferiority, lies, false pride, superiority, and ego.”
“The other is Good. It is joy, peace, love, hope, serenity, humility, kindness, benevolence, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion and faith.”
The grandson thought about it for a minute and then asked his grandfather, “Which wolf wins?”
The old Cherokee simply replied, “The one you feed.”

So I thought what can I do to feed the right wolf? The answer was not as obvious as it might seem.
Over time I came to a conclusion that if I took a good care of myself, my good wolf will be stronger, and my bad wolf will be weaker. Therefore in addition to the daily practice of Exposure and Response Prevention, I committed to the following rules:

• 8 hours of sleep a day
• Eating Healthy (3 meals, and 2 snacks a day)
• Drink plenty of water (at least 8 glasses a day)
• Journaling about my triggers
• Meditating
• Morning and Evening Prayer
• Avoiding Dangerous Situations (think acronym HALT)
• Hungry
• Angry
• Lonely
• Tired

6. Warning!
Soon after you’ll stop porn addiction, you will become able to get in touch with your true feelings. While this might sound like a good thing, you could find those true feelings to be unpleasant.
Chances are you’ve used your addiction for a very long time to escape discomforts of life, and when you take away this crutch, you might feel the full weight of your past mistakes.
Just realize that this pain is a temporary. Use this pain as a guide to identify what areas of your life need improvements, so you can face them and get the life that you truly deserve.

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Love That Never Fails Even When You Don't Feel It

Your Love Never Fails
Lyrics by Jesus Culture

Nothing can separate
Even if I ran away
Your love never fails

I know I still make mistakes
But You have new mercies for me everyday
Your love never fails

Chorus:
You stay the same through the ages
Your love never changes
There may be pain in the night but joy comes in the morning
[ Lyrics from: http://www.lyricsty.com/jesus-culture-your-love-never-fails-lyrics.html ]
And when the oceans rage
I don't have to be afraid
Because I know that You love me
Your love never fails

Verse 2:
The wind is strong and the water's deep
But I'm not alone here in these open seas
Cause Your love never fails

The chasm is far too wide
I never thought I'd reach the other side
But Your love never fails

Bridge:
You make all things work together for my good

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Jesus and Blackness

“True peace is not merely the absence of some negative force—tension, confusion or war; it is the presence of some positive force—justice, good will and brotherhood”

--Dr. Martin Luther King

So I'm studying Black Theology, much of which is new age-y and pluralistic, yet, dare I say it does often ring true. Black theology says the Bible should be read from the perspective of the oppressed, and well, black folks are oppressed. 

Now here's where most folks get off.

“Is this gonna be another black and white thing?” Not really, its more like a victim victimizer thing. Unfortunately, the way the majority culture (in any setting) reads the Bible is to exonerate itsself, making efforts at reconciliation seem stupid and pointless, as in “Jesus is all peace and stuff, so stop protesting and get peaceful.” Really? Consider Jesus for a moment.

Jesus was a Jewish man living under the oppressive system of a powerful Roman people. Jews were consigned to the lowest positions and occupations available, in the worst areas available. Sound familiar? Their only real power was that which they had over each other, therefore religion was power. That's why the Pharisees and Sadducees hated Jesus, for He was in the position to disrupt the little authority they had (John 11:48), I'm sayin' they were so low on the totem pole, they feared Rome would take their nation (check the verse.)

So what's the point?

God is the God of all. God is the God of maligned and oppressed. Christianity, as it is both lived and preached should concern itsself with the liberation of all from tyrannical power systems wherever they exist, in all facets in life, whether that look like police brutality, abusive immigration polices or predatory lending practices.

Eternal life doesn't start in the sweet hereafter, it starts now, in the person of Jesus Christ. And He said

“The Spirit of the Lord is on me,

because he has anointed me
to preach good news to the poor.
He has sent me to proclaim freedom for the prisoners
and recovery of sight for the blind,
to release the oppressed,
to proclaim the year of the Lord’s favor.”
Then he rolled up the scroll, gave it back to the attendant and sat down. The eyes of everyone in the synagogue were fastened on him, and he began by saying to them, “Today this scripture is fulfilled in your hearing.”
--Luke 4:18-21

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Owner of Sky and Sabbath

Jesus is Lord of the Sabbath

At that time Jesus went through the grainfields on the Sabbath. His disciples were hungry, and they began to pluck heads of grain and to eat. But when the Pharisees saw it, they said to him, “Look, your disciples are doing what is not lawful to do on the Sabbath.” He said to them, “Have you not read what David did when he was hungry, and those who were with him: how he entered the house of God and ate the bread of the Presence, which it was not lawful for him to eat nor for those who were with him, but only for the priests? Or have you not read in the Law how on the Sabbath the priests in the temple profane the Sabbath and are guiltless? 

 

The Pharisees overlook the heart of God for their rules and regulations. The biblical justification for their prohibitions didn't matter when they decided to use Scripture contrary to its purpose. Scripture, no matter how well referenced, was never intended to hurt other people. 

It can be somewhat fashionable to hang the long-dead Pharisees times over for their legalistic approach to God and Scripture, but can we not also be responsible for alienating and chastising those that fail to conform to our standards? Heaven forbid, someone with the wrong fashion sense walk into some of our churches Sunday morning. Then they might face our wrath.

In referencing David, Jesus shares a small bit of God's heart with us: it is for His people, His creation.

God's first law for humankind was that of love, joy, purpose and blessing (Gen. 1:28), nothing has changed. Jesus was concerned when David was hungry and no matter what we think, God understood Him breaking religion to feed himself and his mates.

Notice also, how the Pharisees had obviously not considered Christ as being worthy of honor. Old Testament law had essentially allowed the temple priest to break the Sabbath by sacrificing animals and doing other work that day(Numbers 28:9-10). They held up their religious leaders above God Himself, an accurate description of their hearts.

May God always hold the greatest place in our hearts and lives.
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Get the Rest You Need

Come to Me, I Will Give You Rest 
 

At that time Jesus declared, “I thank you, Father, Lord of heaven and earth, that you have hidden these things from the wise and understanding and revealed them to little children;”

The Kingdom of God is for the humble and the simple. This is not to say Jesus wants His people uneducated, but rather teachable, willing to receive rebuke and correction, which is an attribute of the wise(Proverbs 9:8). The Bible (in that verse) even shares with us that the wise person will love you more when you rebuke them. So it is with children.

Children recognize they are just discovering this world out. A recent collegiate study found that young children will ask near 100 questions daily! That is 100 times of admitting they don't know all the answers. Are we still willing to put ourselves on the spot like this?

For some reason, the idea is that the older and more knowledgeable one becomes, the less they need direction,or others, for that matter. The Kingdom of God is not for such as these. It is for people, whom regardless of age, recognize that while they may understand some, there's so much they don't get.

We are called to be eternal learners.

All things have been handed over to me by my Father, and no one knows the Son except the Father, and no one knows the Father except the Son and anyone to whom the Son chooses to reveal him. 

 

Jesus is the only way to God. Jesus is God, there are no substitutes or alternatives, one must either choose Christ or reject God. We needn't search for a savior. He has come.

Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light.”

 

Coming to Christ needn't be a tiresome experience that encourages lethargic surrender, as though we'd been beaten into submission by a higher power, rather an incredible relief akin to an embrace by a friend long-missed.

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Instructions for Being Naked

Do you ever think about how Adam and Eve felt when the shame of their nakedness drove them to cover up with leaves and hide from God? (Genesis 3:7-8)

They possessed everything anyone could ever want: perfect unity with God, perfect unity with each other and paradise for a backyard, but temptation got the better of them didn't it?

Sometimes I wonder, would it make a difference if I was able to go back in time and explain to the first family what the consequences of their sin would be? Whatever the answer to that hypothetical question, as their children, we are prone to sell our futures and prostitute ourselves for lesser fruits.

We regularly seek to cover our shame.

Perhaps that's why we fuss and fret when our employment is taken from us, our significant others abandon us, and our lives refuse to follow the script we've drawn up...we are left naked, without something to hide behind.

To be naked is to be vulnerable, without protection, exposed to the world for what we really are.

I felt so naked, for the last year I've watched myself become this borderline psychotic, neurotic mess. Leaving behind  a favorite church, good friends, a good reputation and a good job have done a number on me (and still are). I've been tempted to give into sin patterns I  reckon I'd long ditched, made excuses for causing others harm, all the while attempting to hide who I really was behind any "leaves" nearby. Sometimes the worst thing someone could call me was godly, because I knew, I, Jean-Marc was not that. But thank God it is not up to me.

We are asked to clothe ourselves in Jesus Christ (Romans 13:14), this means we seek not to be wrapped up in ourselves, work, even other people; He should be the first thing people notice about us.

Easier said then done, I know, but no matter where you are, we all start his journey the same way: “Jesus, please do this through me”

May God teach us to wrap ourselves in Him.

Besides this you know the time, that the hour has come for you to wake from sleep. For salvation is nearer to us now than when we first believed. The night is far gone; the day is at hand. So then let us cast off the works of darkness and put on the armor of light. Let us walk properly as in the daytime, not in orgies and drunkenness, not in sexual immorality and sensuality, not in quarreling and jealousy. But put on the Lord Jesus Christ, and make no provision for the flesh, to gratify its desires.

--Romans 13:11-14

In Him,

Jean-Marc

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Who Can Make Them Understand?

Matthew 11 Continued...

Woe to Unrepentant Cities

Christ had done the work of an evangelist. Imagine, the Son of God, preaching to His creation! Yet they were not all receptive, see the importance of changing their ways, or believe that God knew better for their lives, leaving Jesus Christ to accomplished his many works to great apathy.

Some people imagine the days of Christ's earth ministry as a time when sin should have been obvious and therefore repentance easy, but these folks needed faith like we need it.

When someone doesn't want to believe, they won't believe. 

Tell someone God touched your eyes and gave you sight, they'll doubt you were blind; show them the teacher healing the woman with heavy bleeding, and they'll claim it were coincidence or worse yet, a show.

God must help us believe in the unseen, in spite of ourselves.

In John 20:29, Jesus encourages us:

“Have you believed because you have seen me? Blessed are those who have not seen and yet have believed.”

It gets hard sometimes, to believe in what we have yet to see. Some of us haven't seen lame men walk, demons cast out and frail limbs restored, however by the gift of faith we can (Ephesians 2:8). We need only accept it.

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From John to Jesus: Wutz Up?

Matthew 11

Messengers from John the Baptist

“Now when John heard in prison about the deeds of the Christ, he sent word by his disciples and said to him, 'Are you the one who is to come, or shall we look for another?'”

This sounds like doubt. Isn't this John the Baptist that was so aware of Christ's prominence and authority in Matthew 3, he didn't think of himself as worthy of completing His water baptism? What had occurred between chapter 3 and chapter 11? Persecution and trials.

The best of men are men at best, and unassisted by God, falter often. We regularly prove true the words of Matthew 26:41: the spirit is willing but the body is weak. The story many of us share is that of trying hard to be strong and good on our own, all while taking the blows of life while doing our darndest to smile It doesn't really work that way. Our mind and bodies require rest in Christ. 

 

“And Jesus answered them, 'Go and tell John what you hear and see: the blind receive their sight and the lame walk, lepers are cleansed and the deaf hear, and the dead are raised up, and the poor have good news preached to them.'”

We serve a God that's not all about talk but real power (1 Corinthians 4:20). He doesn't just make hundreds of promises about a new covenant but actually comes to earth to fulfill them!

Notice how Jesus didn't answer the question, though He had adequate reason to be annoyed and answer with sarcasm; He demonstrated grace, encouraging John in who he was.

Jesus continues by calling John greater than a prophet, the greatest man that ever lived.

“But to what shall I compare this generation? It is like children sitting in the marketplaces and calling to their playmates,

“‘We played the flute for you, and you did not dance;
we sang a dirge, and you did not mourn.’
For John came neither eating nor drinking, and they say, ‘He has a demon.’ The Son of Man came eating and drinking, and they say, ‘Look at him! A glutton and a drunkard, a friend of tax collectors and sinners!’ Yet wisdom is justified by her deeds.”
Jesus recognized the problem of un-repentance didn't just depend on how people presented the message of salvation, the Jews wouldn't even accept it from the Son of God Himself.
May we pray that our hearts are never so hardened to God's instruction and warning.

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The Joy of Selflessness by Gary Thomas

The Joy of Selflessness

by Gary Thomas
Kelsey looked so ridiculously small on that horse. The consent form I had signed before she could ride it warned, “Horse riding is the only sport in which a predator seeks to exert his control over an animal three to four times his own size and power.” But eight-year-old Kelsey’s heart was set on riding horses while we vacationed at the beach (“and I’m not riding a pony!”), and besides, I thought, it can’t be too dangerous or these people wouldn’t still be in business.

We opted for the trail ride, and soon my three kids and I were slogging through the Oceanside forest. I was in the rear on the largest horse, Kelsey followed the leader, and Allison and Graham were in front of me. About 2/3 of the way into our ride, the lead horse caught scent of something that scared him. He bolted back, and Kelsey’s horse reared around in panic, passing Graham’s, running toward Allison’s, and creating a general melee.

The last time I had ridden a horse, I was ten years old. I know nothing about controlling an animal that you couldn’t pick up watching Bonanza reruns. My horse tried to bolt right, but I jerked it back to the left so I could keep Kelsey and the other kids in my sight. As the three horses bolted toward me, I remember thinking, I don’t believe this. I’m going to have to stop Kelsey’s horse.

I’ll never forget two things: the look on Kelsey’s face as that massively larger animal decided to take over, and the way time seemed to stop as I had no idea of what to do other than put myself in her path so she couldn’t get by. I didn’t think about my own horse rearing. I wasn’t thinking about falling off. I was consumed with the thought, How do I get my daughter’s horse to stop?

The trail leader apologized profusely. She had never had something like that happen before, and we slowly made our way back to the barn.
There’s a clarity to our vision when we completely forget ourselves and concentrate solely on the task before us. It’s an energizing feeling to be so focused on someone else that there is no thought of our own welfare, predicament, or problems. Though it seems ironic, it’s a blessed state, far more meaningful than when we are obsessed with our own trials and tribulations—but it’s not one that naturally colors our spirit.

Self-centeredness can creep up on us in so many ways. Our fallen nature and our culture collide with the force of an avalanche to push us ever further down the hill of self-centeredness, but true faith calls us back to the summit of selflessness.

Giving When It Hurts Paul taught that Christian faith leads us to be oriented around the needs of others: “We who are strong ought to bear with the failings of the weak and not to please ourselves. Each of us should please his neighbor for his good, to build him up. For even Christ did not please himself...” (Rom. 15:1-3)

In fact, Paul took this line of thinking one step further. “Though I am free and belong to no man, I make myself a slave to everyone, to win as many as possible.” (1 Cor. 9:19) Because Paul’s writings are so familiar to us, it is easy to glide right over the depth of Paul’s willingness to put himself completely at others’ disposal.
The extreme to which Paul adhered to this selflessness is, in fact, shocking to modern sensibilities. The great apostle tells the Romans that he wishes he could cut himself off from salvation if in doing so he might save Israel (Rom. 9:3). Again, let’s not quickly pass over this. Paul was fully aware of the total horrors of hell—the physical pain, the emotional angst, the spiritual alienation—yet still he proclaims, “I wish I could be damned in hell for all eternity, if in my damnation the rest of the people of Israel could be saved.”

Where did Paul get this selflessness? How could a man become so others-oriented, so willing to play the role of a servant? I believe it essentially comes down to this: Paul took the words of Jesus, “It is more blessed to give than to receive” (Acts 20:35) literally, and found that they were true! Throughout his letters, Paul is effusive with his thanks and affection for others—clearly, his service on their behalf brings tremendous joy to his life: “I thank my God through Jesus Christ for all of you…” (Rom. 1:8; 1 Cor. 1:4) “For I wrote you out of great distress and anguish of heart and with many tears, not to grieve you but to let you know the depth of my love for you.” (2 Cor. 2:4) “It is right for me to feel this way about all of you, since I have you in my heart.” (Phil. 1:7) Paul’s affection for others was real; the enjoyment he derived from serving them and sacrificing on their behalf was tangible and at times intense. These are not the words of a man who only grudgingly serves. These are the words of a man who has found service to be the most meaningful life imaginable, creating an intimacy many of us could only dream about.

Paul found the hidden, quiet blessing of a selfless life, the kind Solomon talked about when he wrote, “A generous man will prosper; he who refreshes others will himself be refreshed.” (Prov. 11:25) Ironically, this attitude of selflessness actually creates a fountain of joy. It seasons our faith with meaning and applies purpose to our pain.

“The pursuit of happiness”—for which aim our forefathers fought a war—wouldn’t even register in Paul’s top ten priorities. His goal in life was much more simple: “And [Christ] died for all, that those who live should no longer live for themselves but for him who died for them and was raised again.” (2 Cor. 5:15)
Everything Paul experienced was put through this grid. He even learned to “rejoice” in suffering, because by suffering “I fill up in my flesh what is still lacking in regard to Christ’s afflictions, for the sake of his body, which is the church.” (Col. 1:24)

Paul didn’t look at what hardship did to him. He was entirely preoccupied by what his suffering accomplished for God’s church. When he was imprisoned, Paul took heart in the fact that “because of my chains, most of the brothers in the Lord have been encouraged to speak the word of God more courageously and fearlessly.” (Philip. 1:14)

The key to Paul’s joy is adopting Paul’s mission: i.e., become a champion of God’s work on this earth. Sacrifice, serve, and tirelessly work to build the Kingdom of God in this world. If you do that faithfully, you may find, as did Paul, that the selfless life, though not an easy life, though filled with much pain, anguish, and heartache, is the most meaningful life that can be lived. When you know you’re doing something solely out of love for God and a desire to see His Kingdom prosper on this earth, there’s an unrivaled inner satisfaction that fills your soul. This satisfaction has been testified to for ages, beginning with the classical Christian writers.
The Classical Chorus Augustine captured the spirit of Paul’s writing precisely when he wrote that “God fashions us, that is, forms and creates us anew, not as men—for he has done that already—but as good men, which His grace is now doing.” In other words, when God’s Spirit transforms us and re-creates us, He does so with a view toward making us different—i.e., less selfish and more inclined to serve others, that is, to make us good. He doesn’t just save us, but intends to change us.
What else is the meaning of Ephesians 2:10? “For we are God’s workmanship, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do.” But here’s the delightful irony: in Augustine’s mind, acts of good will and charity, far from being a nuisance and a burden, actually promote true happiness: “Acts of compassion…towards our neighbors, when they are directed towards God…are intended to free us from misery and thus to bring us to happiness—which is only attained by that good of which it has been said, ‘As for me, my true good is to cling to God.’ (Ps. 73:28)”

Augustine had plenty of opportunities to live out this thinking. When he first became a Christian, Augustine’s ambition was to become a quiet monk, living out his final days in prayer and contemplation. His piety soon became noticed in high places, however, and church authorities asked Augustine to become a Bishop, which led him into a very public life—the opposite of what he wanted. Even so, Augustine agreed to take on these responsibilities. He eventually discovered that a life of service was preferable to a life of self-absorption, so much so that he was willing to risk his life for others. Ultimately, this selflessness led Augustine to an earlier death.

In 427, the Arian Vandals advanced into North Africa, where Augustine lived and ministered. Genserik, the Vandal king, specifically sought out Christian churches, as he heard they were particularly rich with treasures. Refugees poured into Hippo, where Augustine was settled, and soon, Genserik laid siege to Augustine's city.
The refugees brought more than heightened responsibilities for Augustine; they also brought disease. So many people, packed into so tight a space, inevitably created a sick environment, virtually over night. At this point, Augustine had three choices: he could flee (as bishop, Augustine could have abandoned his people and post and sought safe sanctuary elsewhere in the kingdom, receiving sanctuary in the highest and safest places), he could stay holed up in his palace and ignore the needs of his people, or he could go out, get his hands dirty, and risk becoming ill himself.

Augustine didn’t know how to be a bishop “from afar,” so he kept up his active schedule, being with the people—and paid dearly for his service. During the third month of the siege, in August of 430, Augustine developed a high fever, from which he never recovered. He gave his last hours offering refuge to a frightened flock.

The ancients were not masochists; they wanted true joy like any of us do. Certainly, they sought fulfillment, and even happiness (properly defined), but they discovered that happiness is best experienced in a selfless life; that self-centered living creates its own misery. Fenelon, a seventeenth century French mystic, wrote, “The forgetfulness of self…does not mean never seeing anything in relation to ourselves, but only never staying shut up within ourselves, concerned with our own possessions or welfare. It is the preoccupation with ourselves, which keeps us from love pure and simple, which contracts our hearts, and which turns us from our true perfection, because it makes us seek it with pressure, trouble and uneasiness, for love of ourselves.”
Rather than drink from the satisfying waters of selflessness, our culture has developed a dangerous appetite for the bitter drink of selfishness. “Obsession” is actually used as a popular and inviting word when marketing a book or movie these days: “Obsession… passion… a great read.” It’s as if we think nothing is more interesting to watch than a man or woman in the throes of a genuine obsession. But if you’ve ever met someone who is truly obsessive, there is no romance about it. Being psychologically obsessed is a limiting, tyrannical state, with little freedom, tremendous angst, and much anxiety. Obsession shrinks life rather than focuses it. The word may seem romantically mysterious but it is in actuality a painful foretaste of hell, a tremendously limiting world that will ultimately suffocate our spirits.

Self-forgetfulness, on the other hand, leads us to increased joy because we can truly celebrate when others face blessings, thus multiplying our opportunities for celebration. Fenelon explains, “The entirely pure and detached souls…regard the mercies shed on others with as much love and satisfaction as they do the mercies which they themselves have received.”

The literature of the classics is a veritable chorus of dying to self so that we might truly live. In Beyond Personality, C.S. Lewis writes, “The principle runs through all life from top to bottom. Give up yourself, and you’ll find your real self. Lose your life and you’ll save it. Submit to death, death of your ambitions and favorite wishes every day and death of your whole body in the end: submit with every fiber of your being, and you will find eternal life. Keep nothing back. Nothing that you have not given away will ever be really yours. Nothing in you that has not died will ever be raised from the dead. Look for yourself, and you will find in the long run only hatred, loneliness, despair, rage, ruin, and decay. But look for Christ and you will find Him, and with Him everything else thrown in.”

Self-centered faith ultimately becomes very disillusioning. In the long run, living for our own good—even using religion to do so—leads only to hatred, loneliness, despair, rage, ruin, and decay. Dying to ourselves and living solely for God and his kingdom, and thus being enlisted to do good to others and focus on serving, gives us God, and in God we have everything.
Like Augustine, Lewis knew what he was talking about when he spoke of the benefit that comes from selfless living. During the Second World War, Lewis took in numerous children who were fleeing from London and other cities vulnerable to German bombing. Bringing children into the Kilns was a lot of extra work—not to mention the excess noise—but this act of service also opened the door to one of Lewis’ greatest life works. You see, one afternoon one of these evacuated children grew interested in an old wardrobe and asked Lewis if she could go inside it and if, perhaps, there was anything behind it?
Thus was planted the seed for perhaps the most beloved of all of Lewis’ books, The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe. George Sayer, one of Lewis’s biographers, writes of this period, “Having children in the house benefited [Lewis] immensely. He had been shy and ignorant of them, but he now gradually acquired the knowledge and affection for them that made it possible for him to write the Narnia books. Without their presence, it is unlikely that he would even have had the impulse.”

The truth is, we need to serve God more than He needs us to serve him. Service can open doors of ministry we never would have dreamed of otherwise.

The Choice All of us have a choice to make. For most of us, this choice is unconscious, the result of many mini-decisions, the implications of which we may not be aware of. But whenever we choose selfishness, we limit our life. Whenever we choose service, we expand it.

Let me explain. When our happiness is dependent on what happens to us and when our self-focus determines our daily mood, our joy will necessarily be limited to whatever good happens to fall within our own limited experience. But when we truly learn to delight in the welfare of others and rejoice in what God is doing in their lives, the potential for increased joy skyrockets. Even when Paul was in prison, he could rejoice over what God was doing in Colassae; as death drew near, Paul took joy in the rise of Timothy’s ministry; as persecution followed upon persecution, Paul rejoiced at the strength and witness of the Philippians. Because Paul was so others-focused, nothing could get him down. There was always someone to rejoice about and to thank God for! This is the incredible miracle of joy that springs forth when selflessness takes hold in our lives.

Selfishness, on the other hand, is a form of slow suffocation, choking us on the limited air of our own self-interest. I remember Dr. J.I. Packer telling a class at Regent College about a New Yorker cartoon in which a smiling woman is talking to a glum-faced companion. The smiling woman says, “Well that’s enough about me. Now let’s talk about you. What do you think about me?” “The happy state,” Dr. Packer commented, “which we know only rarely, is the unselfconscious state in which all our attention is being given to the people around us, to the situation outside us and we’re forgetting ourselves in the service of others. You see that to perfection in the life of Jesus.”

Self-centered living is suffocated living; it reduces our world, our focus, and our concerns to an almost unbearable degree, always eventually leading to misery and, ironically enough, unhappiness.
Perhaps that’s why, scripturally, selflessness isn’t reserved solely for mature Christians. Paul urges all of us to adopt it. “Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit,” he tells the Philippians, “but in humility consider others better than yourselves. Each of you should look not only to your own interests, but also to the interests of others.” (Phil. 2:3-4) Spiritual health—in Paul’s mind, at least—is marked by a vibrant, others-centered compassion and concern. Far from simply absorbing blessings, we are called to lavish God’s love on others.

If I find myself becoming disillusioned or apathetic about my faith, one of the first things I check is my orientation. Am I focused on how God is “failing” to serve me and answer my prayers the way I want them answered, or on how I am serving God? Am I bitter over how others neglect me, or am I concerning myself with noticing and encouraging others? When I do this alignment, I find that selflessness truly does set me free and lead to many of the Bible’s greatest promises: joy, peace, contentment, and soul satisfaction.

Set Free From Self My wife startled me with what seemed like a bizarre suggestion. “I think we should let the Smiths borrow our van for the weekend,” she said. Just weeks earlier, we had purchased our first brand new vehicle in almost fifteen years. Finally, we were able to secure a minivan that hadn’t been driven halfway into the ground and littered with a previous family’s supply of fast-food and playground dirt. I was determined to make the car last—and keep the mileage down—for as long as possible. The thought of someone else taking our new minivan over the mountains, dropping 1,000 miles on it in three days (when the car had just 700 miles on it to begin with) wasn’t a pleasant one.
But I knew God had set me up. My morning devotions that day had been taken from the book of Acts, and these were the main verses: “All the believers were together and had everything in common. Selling their possessions and goods, they gave to anyone as he had need.” (Acts 2:44-45) Sometimes, it’s “safer” to schedule your Bible reading in the evening, after all your important decisions have been made!
When I saw that Lisa was serious, I winced. Clearly this was a case where God had provided and we could help out another Christian couple.

Even so, I was reluctant.
“If money wasn’t an issue,” I protested to my wife, “I wouldn’t mind letting them borrow our brand new van. It’s just that this is our only vehicle, and I want it to last. We’ve been trying to keep the mileage down, and now we’re going to let someone else take it over the mountains?”
Having been married to me for over sixteen years, Lisa knows how to read my face. I wasn’t acting nobly, but I was certainly feeling guilty, and guilt usually wins out. “Should I call them?” she asked.
“I don’t want you to,” I confessed. “But I think God wants us to.” Sigh. Deep breath. Second sigh. “Yeah. Go ahead.”
Here’s the irony: making that decision actually set me free. While I selfishly held onto a piece of metal, it “owned” me. I winced when neighbor kids slammed the door a little too hard. I became worried whenever I thought I saw a new nick somewhere on the body. I began looking for parking spots that might be farther away but which offered increased protection for the minivan’s exterior.

Once I relinquished this van—emotionally and spiritually—I saw it as the tool it was, something that’s inevitably going to get banged up a little bit, but that’s what it’s for. Offering the car to someone else risked increasing the mileage, but what I lost there I gained many times over in spiritual freedom.
Some people are imprisoned by their demand for comfort. Others are imprisoned by their demand to be noticed, or appreciated, or respected. Some of us are imprisoned by being selfish with what we own.
God invites us to experience a new freedom and a new joy that is found when we ignore our first selfish impulses and allow God’s Spirit to give us a heart for others. He wants to expand our focus and turn our eyes away from own small world, and to find ourselves by losing ourselves in service to His people.
I can virtually guarantee you that this is one truth that will be tested in your life within the next 24 hours. For your own sake, I pray you’ll choose the blessed path of selflessness.

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Check  out more of Gary's writing at garythomas.com

It Pays To Act Like A Child

Rewards

A common phrase used in Southern child-rearing says: “Act like you belong to somebody.”

Act like you belong to somebody.

When we give up living life off our own energy and will, we are essentially telling God that we give up control, that we wish to be owned. We come under new management, if you will. There are benefits to being under management: protection by representation.

When we set out to accomplish the task God sets before us, we become servant messengers like the parable in Matthew 21:33-41. Those who choose to hurt us and our purpose, must answer to God, for we are but servants doing what we are told.

A well-known preacher whenever studying difficult Bible texts, is fond of telling his congregation, “these aren't my words, I just work here,” and so it is with us. We are co-laborers with Christ, He is in charge. 

Anyone having a problem with our obedience according to His charge can bring their complaint to Him.

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God Doesn't Talk to Me

“God doesn't talk to me anymore,” she confessed to her Bible study. She felt ashamed, this mother of two, married to a ministry man.

“I just feel like we've been spending our lives waiting for God to say something.” Her Wednesday night group responded in kind, several sharing their own stories of divine silence.

Is God really so silent? I mean, there were those 400 years between Malachi and Matthew: no prophets or miracles that we know of.

Where was God? God was there. God is here.

And though the Lord give you the bread of adversity and the water of affliction, yet your Teacher will not hide himself anymore, but your eyes shall see your Teacher. And your ears shall hear a word behind you, saying, “This is the way, walk in it,” when you turn to the right or when you turn to the left.

--Isaiah 30:20-21

For his invisible attributes, namely, his eternal power and divine nature, have been clearly perceived, ever since the creation of the world, in the things that have been made. So they are without excuse. For although they knew God, they did not honor him as God or give thanks to him, but they became futile in their thinking, and their foolish hearts were darkened.

--Romans 1:20-21

God does speak, the thing is, are we always listening?

I doubt anything's really complicated. Complicated things are really simple things wrapped in disappointment and excuses.

If you haven't ever heard from God or haven't heard from Him in while, I encourage you in these 3 simple things:

1. Prayer
2. Silence
3. Reading Scripture

My prayer is we would be like ball players after a shot's been thrown up, energetically awaiting what may come down.

May we be so vigilant.

In Him,

Jean-Marc

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Its All Grace Stupid!

What will you today?

You have the grace of God in Christ to do as you wish, so what will you today?

You are allowed to love now, to care. You are free to share the love of God with others. You are free to enjoy a meal to His eternal glory.

What will you do today?

You may spend the day in respite and the night in entertainment.

What will you do?

Do as you please, for the world does not turn because you tell it to. It does not await your permission to follow its destiny. The sun has no need of your worry, it keeps hot well without you.

What will you do today?

I read last night, research finds that a person too focused on their goals may increase chances of never achieving them. For gym going individuals, those asked to focus on the experience of working out rather than their specific exercise goals fared better than their comrades. They ran longer, complained less and enjoyed more.

Are you afraid to enjoy your life? People? The future? The past? The tasks ahead of you? Give them to Jesus, by admitting you have no control (Matthew 6:27).

Attempts to control our faith stem from nothing short of attempts to control our lives. God'S grace frees us to step out of His way and let Him work in and through us.

Grace frees us to truly experience and enjoy our salvation, it is so nice to discover. I have been loving and sharing with people lately that I would not chosen, but God's grace has selected them for me.

It doesn't feel like it did when I tried so hard to be holy in the past. I feel freer now, looser now.

Thank You Jesus for the grace to receive your grace.

But by the grace of God I am what I am, and his grace toward me was not in vain. On the contrary, I worked harder than any of them, though it was not I, but the grace of God that is with me. Whether then it was I or they, so we preach and so you believed.

--1 Corinthians 15:10-11

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Trading Peace for Weapons

Not Peace, but a Sword

 

“Do not think that I have come to bring peace to the earth. I have not come to bring peace, but a sword. For I have come to set a man against his father, and a daughter against her mother, and a daughter-in-law against her mother-in-law. And a person’s enemies will be those of his own household. Whoever loves father or mother more than me is not worthy of me, and whoever loves son or daughter more than me is not worthy of me. And whoever does not take his cross and follow me is not worthy of me. Whoever finds his life will lose it, and whoever loses his life for my sake will find it.”

Jesus is completely honest with us: life with Him is life to the fullest(John 10:10), and at the same time worldly difficult. Walking with Jesus, is a lot of times, walking away from everyone else. This is one thing to read (or write even), but how about living this out?

How much of our time is spent in attempts to be cautious in our words and actions....though it almost seems pointless, doesn't it?

More than once Jesus spells it out: Are you sure you re really want to follow me...it gets rough.

But its so very worth it.

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Don't Fear the Fire

Have No Fear

No matter how much others desire to make it so, Christianity has never been, nor is meant to be a private religion. It was meant to spread like the fire with which Jesus would baptize His disciples (Matthew 3:11)

Spreading the fire of Christ requires the Spirit of Christ, which knows not fear(2 Timothy 1:7) but power and love.

“And do not fear those who kill the body but cannot kill the soul."

To truly follow Christ is to place His person over all others. What those around us do, must, in our minds, be secondary to His pleasure.

“but whoever denies me before men, I also will deny before my Father who is in heaven.”

Jesus says it simply, and controversially to our day: we are either with Him or not. There are no maybe Christians. As Revelation 3:16 makes clear, the lukewarm will be spewed out. If they can't survive the stress and persecution, they can't handle the reward.

To be the world's friend is to be God's enemy(James 4:4).

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Wise as Serpents, Innocent as Doves

Matthew 10 Continued...

Persecution Will Come

“Behold, I am sending you out as sheep in the midst of wolves, so be wise as serpents and innocent as doves.”

In other words, you will be “easy pickin's” for the worst of men, therefore be wise, vigilant and maintain your innocence. I understand the whole turning the other cheek thing (Matthew 5:39) will be mistaken as weakness by some, some will infiltrate your number for the purpose of cheating you (Acts 5:1-10), while others will lose faith in me and ultimately turn on you(2 Timothy 4:10). You will be treated how I was treated. If they spat in my face, they will spit in yours. But do not fear, for I will be with you, to the point of speaking on your behalf.

This promise endures still. Christ stands with us when no one else dares.

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Fear Not Darkness or Silence

I don't doubt God often.

But when I do, its usually in connection to disconnection.

Have you ever been stricken dumb by loneliness?

It seems to be one of the few sensations that force my mind back to adolescence or rather make me an adolescent.

I typically find people deal with lack of inclusion two ways: either embracing it deeply, wrapping the darkness about themselves like a cheap blanket, or denying its existence. The latter are those whom never have a lack of activities in which to engage, obsessed with the heat of other bodies, any and all invitations become their own, but what they really fear is themselves, their minds. All about them must be noise: ticking, flicking, blaring, loud, deafening, to mask true thought. They fear what their brains will do, once freed from shushing sounds, from headphones, from hand-held lightboxes, from far away voices yelling and fuzzing into their ears.

But if one ever learned to listen to the silence, they might here God.

He speaks through the guttural drops of anxiety, pleading with us to pray, especially at the moments we least care to.

No one in Christ is ever truly alone.

“See to it that you do not refuse him [God] who speaks.”

- Hebrews 12:25

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