Not that I imagine to have it down perfectly, but it has taken me 26 life years to learn to stop yelling at myself mentally. I have outgrown its bit of usefulness. I am not a child that requires rules and ultimatums but a man that requires validating words spoken from a loving heart.
I do not have less things to accomplish, in fact I have more, but these works are not to be done by someone beaten down but one esteemed for noble use, confident enough to recognize the benefit of healthy change and confident enough to make it happen. I am that person.
I am no son of disappointment
There is a destructive tendency of self-critique inside of me everything within wishes to kill. I have tried to kill this demon so many ways in the past: making myself into a machine devoted to working and the pursuit of money, Eastern-style meditation and attempting to present myself as an infinite well of useful knowledge (ie. How to mix the perfect cocktail or throw the best rave), but pursuits fell short. Shorter than short and even shorter than that.
I always ended up tired, rigid, exposed and alone, because there are no human-sized fig leaves. There is not enough stuff in this world to fill the black hole one's heart becomes without Christ. There is not enough sex, with enough women on enough islands replete with enough narcotics to give us enough amnesia of who we are eternally without Jesus—broken and jacked up, though through Christ we can be redeemed, as in get back our worth from the hands of the one that pretended to be our friend. His name is Satan, maybe you've worked with him. You don't have to any longer.
Don't destroy yourself in your attempt to redeem yourself. Let Jesus do that for you.
“I consider everything a loss compared to the surpassing greatness of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord, for whose sake I have lost all things. I consider them rubbish, that I may gain Christ”
-Philippians 3:8
In Him,
Jean-Marc
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