I didn't ever really believe I was a
legalist. I just thought I wrote about them.
I sat there, surrounded by ministry
leaders, being stared at, for what I decided to share:
I didn't drink around unbelievers.
“Why?” The first pastor asked with
a bewilderment akin to if I'd told him I impersonated dalmatians on
Tuesdays.
“Well, I just...(crap, I need an
answer)...I wouldn't want it to effect my witness.” Pleased for a
millisecond, I inched backward, hoping to recline once more in the
comfort of my black leather seat.
“But, why would that ruin your
witness?”
Damnit.
Oops. Fiddlesticks.
“Well...I...”
My eyes searched frantically for
something, anything to ground my mind, so it'd run to the answer. I
mean, there had to be an answer, like, I'm one of the most calculated
and logical people I know, there had to be an answer.
Crap.
“....wow, I guess...I don't know”
I hated the vulnerability of being
unsure, this is not the Jean-Marc I had hoped to present. I wanted to
speak in tweet-able phrases, I wanted to be remembered as a
theological rock of wisdom. I didn't want to be the kid that needed
to get his act together.
So...I was...and I wasn't.
The room lit up with story telling and
thought provocation. Our understanding of Scripture was tested both
extrinsically and introspectively: us and ourselves. Discussion was
good, but in all frankness, I am still licking my imaginary wounds.
Oh how I need to be right in the eyes
of man, how I thirst for their validation. That is why I kept my
Sabbaths, to be seen as good before men.
I am a brother to Pharisees, my
religion killed Jesus, and it still does.
I still don't understand grace, I admit
this with shame. I do not understand how actions do not make me
better in God's eyes. Surely, He was keeping score all this time.
Right?
Were they right, is it hypocrisy to say
that wine with dinner at home is OK but drinking in public was
different?
I won't even touch that bomb.
Let's just continue to do what we do to
the glory of God.
Oh God, quell this judgmental spirit
within me.
Show me how much you love me.
Save me from choking myself.
“Create in me a clean heart, O God.
Renew a loyal spirit within me.”
-Psalm 51:10
In Him,
Jean-Marc
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