Return Me To Innocence

To Felipe: my brother on this exciting journey with me into the field of God's unknown and glorious purpose. Always pack your sword and shield.

To all my friends: You have each blessed my life in such profound ways. You have become my family, and therefore there will always be a chair at my table for you.

In my last entry from Gotham, I reflect a bit on my descent into it and my ascension out.

Return Me to Innocence

At the edge of The Country,

In the heart of a State,

Outside of The City,

In the south of The Borough,

At the tip of a street, stands a house.

And past its gate,

Up the stairs,

Through three doorways,

And a turn right into the bedroom,

There is a wooden cabinet in whose second drawer, lies a photograph, turned on its face, white side up.

It lies untouched, peaceful in midst of the frantic packing of moving boxes, a reminder of what once existed.

Years have passed since a friend took that photo. I well remember choosing the black fitted button-down, cleaning up and cutting my hair just-so for the head shot. I recall heeding the oracle of the sandwich maker next door, as he had apparently instructed many an aspiring model and even actors as myself: "Remember, if you ain't in SOHO, you ain't...".

Everyone and anyone had a say in my life but God.

"New York City?", others asked, "So many people everywhere"

One kind older soul's idea was to arrange opportunities for me elsewhere: "I just don't like the idea of a kind young man like you going there."

The rampant arrogance of our time says to label these people "dream killers" and "haters", but I now call them "right".

If a "nice young man" was what had left the South, then he choked on the bitter cold northern air which awaited him off the plane. Time of death called at December 26, 2008 around 12:00 PM.

But you would not find him at the mortuary or funeral parlor, for he was of a different variety: the living dead, a being with an internal cessation of life yet to the world of the external, seemed very much likable and vibrant.

He learned to draw his life from others through praise, parties and pomaceous lips yet he wondered why, when walking Alphabet City late at night afterward, pain revisited him. For in the midst of it all, his heart longed to beat. There had to be a life beyond this; happy and guiltless living that did not involve accompanying strange people to strange places. Perhaps it was found in The Bible?

But The Bible was another tease: the promise of a desirable holy peace trapped in a tome I least desired, rarely reading to the point of losing my only copy of it. Perhaps this was because I had accepted the fallacy that The Bible was only to be read by the sinless and I was (and am) not.

Then came May 17, 2009; the visiting preacher, the acclaimed Ravi Zacharias delivered a surprisingly convicting message in the church on the pleasure of godly living and I was floored. Life had gotten too tough and I could no longer pretend that I was tougher. The horrible sights of violence and sharp sounds of city anger had pierced my heart and it had yet recovered. I recalled my younger sister's first visit during which she asked when I had last laughed and how I remained silent not being able to remember. I sat there wrecked and broken in tears. I could no longer play that I was not hurt by how my Florida "friends" had completely forgotten me and that my new "friend" had placed an ungodly price tag on our relationship. I was brought low and needed to change but in my heart was a fear that I could not.

Even before my high school "I'll never sin again" promises, I had repeatedly tried and failed at this whole Christian thing. Promises I made and promises I seemed to break almost simultaneously. So what would make this change any different? Earnestness? Nope. Maturity? Nah. I simply stopped making promises and allowed for the renewal of God to take place within me.

I remember coaching myself after purchasing a bible: "If I am going to read it, then I will just read it like any other book" I told myself, "No more big promises." Thankfully none were made and I became infatuated with the book I now write about. It became to me the bread of life as I drew more and more from the Living God.

"Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God's will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will."

-Romans 12:2

Living as a Christian is weird sometimes is it not? Very often, I feel as though I speak some ancient language with this culture, therefore many times requiring a translator. At the start of this renewed life, I tried at times to resist the work begun inside of me, but brilliance, by nature, can not help standing out.

"So from now on we regard no one from a worldly point of view. Though we once regarded Christ in this way, we do so no longer. Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, the new creation has come: The old has gone, the new is here!"

-2 Corinthians 5:16-17

When new in Christ you see the world as a babe. You take the pamphlet on everything you “knew” about this life and slowly rip out the pages. Your every step is taken with a realization of a greater spiritual presence, each word spoken is carefully selected and weighed for impact, and all the day's activities are analyzed for real quality.

The difference between infancy and our adult lives is that we typically live walking backwards into the past while hoping for the future to come to us whereas children live for today as if it were the only day they had. Having worked as a pediatric therapist for years, I can testify to the veracity of that statement. I could see a child today, all crying and screaming mean words but let me see him tomorrow and it would be as though yesterday had never existed, I might even get a hug!

It is unusual to hear of a child bringing baggage or prejudice with them self into any activity or encounter, yet I ask this question to all of you adults today: Do you ever truly experience anything for the first time?

When I first attended my current home church which I sadly leave, I "knew" to be unimpressed: "Big church, I've been to one of these — I'll just get lost in the crowd", "Young adult ministry, headed by another blonde-haired guy — So fake, I won't make any real friends here."

By what I "knew" from my past, I had prejudged the whole thing as hopeless, but I was wrong yet again. And how good it is to be wrong! In the years I have been there, I have met the most genuine and true blue souls one can ever know — but then again I am no longer the person who once saw the world that way.

When we truly put our lives in Christ's hands he begins to do something beautiful with them.

Riding the train one morning, I became captivated by a young woman's ability. She could make lovely sketches and art with her pen and drawing pad in a matter of minutes. But where would her inspiration come from? From the "ordinary" life we many times throw away.

She would look at a young woman angrily sighing while leaning upon the moving train doors and see a remarkable subject for artistic depiction. She saw a Jewish man in quiet study and drew him reviewing the sacred text as a rabbi with all of the flowing accouterments.

We may feel that the things we encounter in the day to day are not useful or worthy of mention but our feelings are irrelevant in this manner. God uses even the bad to add important color to the portrait of His purpose for us.

When we focus on the horrible things done to us and in turn, the horror that has wreaked chaos on others from within our own hearts, we may be tempted to write everything off and to give up, relegating salvation for those a bit more naïve as to how things really work.

Perhaps you have fallen away from any sort of "organized" religion for this purpose: perfection is frustratingly impossible and carnal humanity is more forgiving. Perhaps you are even a Christian who is "saved", though you do not feel that one rescue mission is sufficient for your needs. What then? Well...the Apostle Paul:

"For the message of the cross is foolishness to those who are perishing, but to us who are being saved it is the power of God."

-1 Corinthians 1:18

Two major points here I would like you to consider: 1)us and 2)being saved.

Us: The Apostle Paul had been empowered by God to preach the gospel and plant churches among non-Jews, not an easy task, but there was one in particular that gave him more headaches than he cared for, and it was in Corinth.

Corinthians took hedonism to another level; the ancient world knew them as low-lifes, drunks and whores. Looking for morality in Corinth was as pointless as looking for a nunnery in Vegas, much less holiness. And yet that is to what they were being called.

The apostle uses the word "us" when addressing his unruly congregation, grouping himself with them.

Being saved: Paul says there are two types of people: the perishing and those being saved.

Case in point:

Two young women go out on the town and consume enough alcohol and engage in an excessive amount of unflattering activity, thoroughly dishonoring both of their families: yet one is a Christian and the other is not.

How can this be? You might ask me. Remember that what makes us followers of Christ is many times unseen.

What you would not see is the morning after; one young lady will cry in her bed and fall on her knees while the other obsesses over how horrible her clothes smell. One will read Ephesians 5:18: "Do not get drunk on wine, which leads to debauchery. Instead, be filled with the Spirit", while the other may just watch infomercials with a numbness in her heart, repining for the night before when at least she felt something. One young lady will leave her sinful ways, having been cut to the heart whereas the other will not, likely becoming more self-destructive still. The last may be perishing but the other is being saved.

Christianity is in the fight.

What was true for the Corinthians then, is true for us now: there is no hope for real change outside of God's renewal.

There were times in my life at which I found myself incapable of doing what was right even though I was convinced that my current actions could only lead to life-altering disaster and despair. With all humility, I could only ask the Lord for His sweet patience and gentle guidance out of my mess because I did not have the will to get myself out. Thank God that He answers prayers for rescue.

Sanctification, or "being saved" is the process by which we become like Jesus, and if you call yourself a Christian then this is a process you will always be involved in until seeing Christ. The Apostle Paul could only be humble in faith by recognizing this: that we are all masterpieces in the making.

A commitment to Christ is one of those moments that separates your life into two portions: 'Before' and 'After' . 'Before' you willingly invited the lashes of sin but now in the 'After' God equips you to fight off Satan and yourself when you have to. In the 'Before', you were controlled by your past, the person you were and the people who hurt you, but in the glorious 'After' you forgive, not because anyone out there is worthy of it (of course not) but you forgive because when you finally become consumed in the Grace of Jesus, you mind less about handing some out.

We now can have hope again, be in wonder of the world again and have faith in others again only because His good inside of us returns us to innocence.

In Christ, life is beautiful once more and those who know Him can declare this with all confidence.

I feel no one needs this message of renewal today more than I do, for I am soon to return to old stomping grounds, ideas and prejudices: people and places I once avoided, rituals I found irritating and a culture at times infuriating — but I am not governed by my past, those were the ideas of another man that left years ago and I have not seen him since, the one that comes back in his place will see this land with brand new eyes and walk with a focus forward.

Truly, this day is the first day of the rest of our lives.

In Him,

Jean-Marc